


Addict With A Pen

by Area50Dun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 18:05:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12799515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Area50Dun/pseuds/Area50Dun
Summary: more fics on my Tumblr: https://area50dununiverse.tumblr.com/





	Addict With A Pen

**Author's Note:**

> more fics on my Tumblr: https://area50dununiverse.tumblr.com/

Josh watched the stage, never taking his eyes away from the man behind the piano. The air around him in the dimly lit bar was stale, the small round tables pushed far too close together for comfort. Josh didn’t mind. All he could do was watch the boy’s fingers dance over the ivory keys, his eyes closed as beautiful sounds flowed from his mouth right into the pit of Josh’s stomach. Josh had entered the bar on a whim as he passed through. He didn’t usually come to this part of town, but he’d picked up a small evening job as a pizza delivery guy that brought him far out. It was the last job of the night and as he passed, he saw a bright neon sign promoting ‘live music Fridays’ so he parked his car and went in.

The bar was musky, small black tables were in front of a tiny stage on what looked like an old dance floor. There was a disco ball above him and Josh wondered if it was still used. Probably not. The place was a little rundown, the only people in there seemed to be regulars, varying from old men propped up against the bar to younger, small groups who sat and talked, drinks in hands.

 Josh dragged his eyes away from the singer, giving the people that were sat on the table next to his, a look of disapproval. They shouldn’t be talking, they should be listening to the angelic voice, paying attention to the man in front of them. Josh looked back to the stage, the man had his eyes open now as he finished the song. A few people half-heartedly clapped and Josh saw the flicker of embarrassment on his delicate features, his eyes on the piano as he stood up and mumbled a small “thank you” before scurrying away and out of sight. Josh quickly drained his coke that was cradled in his hands, now warm, ice melted long ago. He watched for the man, waiting for him to come back into the bar. He made his way towards the bar that was on the far end of the building in hope that he would see the singer there. The man never showed he had just disappeared and Josh felt the sinking feeling of disappointment, even though he knew that he would’ve ever even spoken to him. He wasn’t brave enough for actual conversation, far too self-conscious.

“Hey,” Josh spoke over the buzz of other peoples conversations, catching the bartenders attention. “The singer,” he said, “who is he?” The bartender shrugged as he stacked the freshly cleaned glasses. “He’s here almost every week.” The man told him, turning his attention to Josh. “He owe you money?” he asked leaning his palms on the wooden bar.

“What? No.” Josh frowned, taken aback by the man's sudden change in demeanour. He eyed Josh suspiciously and shrugged again, turning back to his work. Josh left, his mind on the singer as he hummed a sweet tune that rang around his head.

 

❤️

Josh found himself at the same bar the next Friday, watching the stage intently, not wanting to miss one word of the song he was singing. His eyes were screwed shut again, his head jerking as he sang. His dark hair was styled so it was sticking up, his tanned skin looking almost golden under the lights. Josh watched him as he rose from his piano stool slightly, his foot on the peddle of the piano, his fingers moving faster over the keys. It came so naturally to him, Josh could see the man had effortless talent. His fingers followed a well-known route around the keys, his voice hardly working to create those sweet sounds. It was so natural. Josh sat and watched, ignoring the bitter taste of vomit that never seemed to leave his mouth, a sad melody sinking into him, dark lyrics that seemed to just understand him. He soon realised from his first visit that this man wrote songs that were deeper than Josh could ever understand, but somehow, the songs understood _him_. The man was speaking now, almost rapping but not aggressive or loud, just his soft voice talking alongside the music. Josh listened to the words, something about holding water and sand and Josh was just lost in that moment.

He didn’t hate his life, he enjoyed living and being alive, Josh had a great family and amazing friends, but he was starting to feel weighed down by living. Two dead-end jobs, yet he couldn’t even pay his rent. Life didn’t turn out how he expected like he had dreamed and he was feeling fed up about everything. He was always tired and he felt like he was a different person to who he used to be, nothing was in his control anymore as his life slipped through his fingers. The only control Josh had over his life was in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet, his fingers down his throat. He couldn’t remember when he had started the habit, it was always just there, the bitter taste, the smell on his fingers. Josh always had gum and mints on him to cover it, was always careful not to get caught and he was successful. In all the years he’d been making himself sick, not one person had found out, it was Josh’s secret, his one bit of control that was sometimes so overwhelming, it smothered him.

But as he watched this beautiful boy and let his voice sink into him, he didn’t have to think. Didn’t have to worry about the notice that may or may not be pinned to his front door because he hadn’t paid his rent, he didn’t have to think about delivering pizzas or waiting tables all day, didn’t have to make his way to the bathroom to empty his stomach.

He didn’t have to think. Just listen.

That night when Josh got home, he was pleased to find no notice on his door. He opened his 'drum kit fund’ jar and emptied his loose change into it. He knew he was never getting a drum kit, the money was always dipped into or used for something more important but that didn’t matter, everyone has to dream. Josh shook the jar and studied its contents before going to bed. He sat on his bed, wrapped up in his quilt and a heavy blanket, chewing his mints as he googled the bar, trying to find out what the singer's name was. It proved unsuccessful. After two hours of searching, Josh gave up and laid down, going to sleep, humming another sweet melody he had heard that night.

 

❤️

“Rent!” Josh flinched as he turned around to look at Mr Brown. He had tried to scurry past, head down in the hopes that his landlord wouldn’t see him. “I’ve got it,” Josh stalled for a moment, trying to find his key. “I will withdraw it tomorrow, the bank is closed now.” Mr brown frowned, his bushy grey eyebrows coming together in the middle.

“Josh.” He sighed and rubbed his face. “I know how hard you work. Just get it to me tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Josh confirmed, not even wanting to think about where he is going to get the money from.

Josh sat on his sofa chewing his thumbnail, phone in hand, his knee bobbing restlessly. “Hey-” he greeted his boss, hearing his thick Italian accent coming from the other end of the line. “I was just wondering how many extra hours were avalib-”

“I’m sorry Josh, we just don’t have any,” Gian told him, his voice loud over the background noise of the restaurant. Josh deflated.

“Okay, if any come up, can I have them?”

“You’re our best waiter, Josh, of course!” Gian said, adding “I’m

"Sorry man, you know how quiet it’s been.”

“It’s okay, have a good night. See you Friday.” Josh tried to sound upbeat, but he knew his voice failed him. Gian was a great boss, Josh had worked in his restaurant since he left school, eight years ago. Josh was now 26 years old, not qualified to do anything other than waiting tables. The restaurant was starting to struggle, meaning hours were cut and overtime was almost impossible. Gian gave Josh Thursdays off, and he found himself asking every Wednesday if he could get some overtime, work a Thursday maybe. The answer was always no. Josh brought up his mother’s phone number and hesitated. He stared at the screen and sighed before pressing the call icon. “Hey-” he greeted, his eyes welling up at the sound of his mother’s voice, safe and like home. “I need a favour…”

He had the rent money and promised to pay it all back as soon as he could. He wasn’t on the phone long, cutting the call short with an excuse, a lie that he was at work. Josh couldn’t face it, couldn’t handle having to borrow money from his mom, couldn’t handle putting on a front that he was okay. He wasn’t okay and nobody knew it.

He sat on the cool tiles of the bathroom, his face pressed up against the porcelain of the bathtub. It was cool against his hot face and it felt nice. He looked at the toilet and shifted himself forward so he was directly in front of the bowl, his index finger already in his mouth. He pushed his finger further down his throat, gagging once, twice before he felt the familiar clench of muscles in his stomach.

 

❤️

It was soon Friday night and Josh found himself back at the bar, waiting for the singer. His head was down, his fingers working at the calculator on his phone, tapping in numbers. He tapped in the amount he was going to get paid from his two jobs and subtracted everything he needed to pay out, the number of his wages getting smaller and smaller.

 “Hello-” Josh snapped his head up at the voice on stage.

“My name’s Joanne.” Josh frowned, where was his singer? The lady started to strum her guitar and Josh stood up, making his way to the bar. “Where’s the usual guy?” He asked the barman. He just shrugged his shoulders without looking up from the drink he was pouring and Josh’s dark mood grew darker as he turned and left the bar.

The cool night air washed over him, as he closed his eyes momentarily, taking in a deep breath. He felt sad, weighed down and tired. He was about to walk away when he heard a quiet voice that he instantly recognised. He turned and saw an alley beside the bar. It looked like a side entrance, probably used for deliveries. It was pitch black but he _knew_ his singer was there. He moved forward slowly and turned the corner into the passageway, his eyes widening and a gasp coming from his lips.

“You gonna stand and watch or what?”

Josh blinked, his eyes flicking up to the big guy. He looked scary, tough but Josh couldn’t move. The singer was on his knees in front of the tough guy, his mouth full of his dick and Josh wanted to cry and he didn’t even know why. The singer didn’t stop at Josh’s interruption and Josh quickly mumbled a “sorry” before turning on his heel to leave. Josh rushed to his car, the image of his perfect singer, the boy with the angelic voice, on his knees in a dirty ally burning into his brain. Josh heard footsteps and watched as the tough man walked from the ally, heading in the other direction. Josh watched, waiting for his singer, but he didn’t appear. He worried for a moment, deciding to go and check on him, his feet moving before Josh could stop them. He turned into the ally to find his singer slumped against the wall, a small plastic bag on the floor in front of him. The singer was sniffing the back of his hand, the other hand used to block his other nostril. Josh watched him, his emotions too much, disappointment and sadness raising in his chest.

 “You sucked his dick for drugs,” Josh said as the realisation dawned on him. The singer jumped and snapped his head up to look at him. He gathered up his baggie and stuffed it in his pocket, wiping his nose and sniffing. He stood up, his eyes trying, but failing to focus. Josh felt bad, his singer looked scared, confused, he was high and Josh wanted to slap him. “You’re wasting your life.” He said quietly. “You’re so- so talented!” The man frowned at him, his eyes downcast now. “And you’re sucking dick in an ally for coke?”

 “Fuck off!” The singer snapped, his hands in his hoodie pocket, his nose running and eyes blown. His lips were red and swollen and Josh couldn’t look. “You don’t come up to me just to judge me, dude! Who the fuck are you?” Josh fixed his eyes on the singer’s black hoodie. It was dirty.

“I’m-” Josh cut himself off. Who was he? He was no one to this man, but somehow, this man was everything to _him_. “I’ve seen you play a few times. You’re really good.” Something in the singer’s eyes softened.  
“Thanks.” He mumbled, shifting his feet. Josh turned to leave before hesitating and asking “what’s your name?”

“Tyler.” His voice was still soft, gentle and sweet as he spoke. Josh nodded, he liked the name Tyler, it suited him.

“Do you need a ride home Tyler?” His singer shook his head and Josh nodded once before leaving.

He hurried to his car and started it, stepping on the peddle, the wheels skidding on the gravel as he pulled out of the lot. Josh’s  vision blurred, tears prickling his eyes as he drove home.

 

❤️

“I wish I never flunked school.” Josh moaned, his phone pressed against his ear. “I’ve got a shit- no- _two_ shit jobs that don’t pay enough, a flat I hate but still can’t afford to live in. Where did I go wrong?” Mark stayed quiet on the other end of the phone. He knew Josh needed to vent and he was right as Josh started talking again. “I had to borrow the rent money from Mom-” Josh told him, flopping down on his sofa, his arm thrown across his face. “And I find myself in some dirty ally watching the most perfect guy sucking dick for drugs-”

“Wait, what?” Mark’s voice piped up.  
Josh sighed. “Dude keep up.”

“Well, I never expected you to throw that in. Why were you watching someone suck dick?”

“It wasn’t like _that_ , Mark, jeez.” Josh rolled his eyes, wishing he had never started this conversation. Mark was always Josh’s first choice for advice or someone to rant to. Being his oldest and closest friend, he understood Josh, listened and gave advice and Josh loved him.

“So tell me again why you were watching-”

“I just can’t believe that Tyler’s on drugs!” Josh continued. “He’s so... So perfect and he’s ruining his life.”

“Who’s Tyler?” Mark questioned, raising his voice to get Josh’s attention.  
“The singer, Mark!”

“What singer? Josh, what are you talking about? Who’s on drugs?”

 Josh gave an overdramatic sigh. “I’m just fed up, dude.” He heard Mark hum in agreement.

“We all get fed up, man.” Josh closed his eyes, trying to hold the tears that were forming. He didn’t want to cry over nothing.

“I’ve got to go,” Josh said, knowing he will have to answer Mark’s questions about Tyler at some point. He didn’t really want to talk about it, he hated the bitter feeling that rose in this chest. He didn’t want to think about his perfect boy on his knees and taking drugs. Josh stood up and rushed to the kitchen, opening his cupboards and grabbing the junk food he kept. He opened a bag of Oreos and ate quickly, savouring the sweet taste.

 

❤️

Josh entered the bar and scanned the small stage area. He had decided to go back the following Friday after much thought. It had been a long week for him and he was tired but he needed to see Tyler, hear his voice again. Tyler came out and stood by his piano, his eyes sweeping the room. Josh met his eyes only for a second before Tyler ducked his head. His fingers positioned themselves and he opened his mouth and suddenly Josh didn’t feel so tense. Josh had no experience with drugs, he’d never tried them and didn’t know anyone who had ever tried them so he couldn’t tell if Tyler was high or not. He guessed he was. Tyler was twitchy and restless, his body seemed to twitch in random places every now and then. Josh watched him closely, watching every twitch and jerk and his heart sinking with every word Tyler sung.

 Once the show was over, Josh waited outside, waiting for Tyler by the side entrance. He soon came into view, and Josh called him, walking the few steps to catch up with him. “Hey-” Josh greeted as Tyler came to a stop. Tyler’s eyes were everywhere, flicking from one place to another. He looked scared. “You okay?” Josh asked, making Tyler giggle, his eyes finally landing on him. Tyler burst into a fit of laughter and Josh narrowed his eyes. “You’re high.”

“And you’re cute!” Tyler grinned, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. It was bleeding. Josh blushed, looking down at his feet. He wished things were different, that Tyler had told him that and not be high at the same time. “Are you the police?” Tyler’s smile suddenly dropped, his face completely changing.

“No,” Josh told him, trying to understand what was happening.

“What’s your name?” Tyler asked, stepping closer to Josh. He took a step back and Tyler frowned, his eyes narrowing.

“Josh.”  
Tyler nodded and looked at the floor, blinking slowly.

“’M sorry for the other night, Josh.” He said, his voice small. He was obviously done with thinking that Josh was a cop and Josh was taken aback by the sudden change in mood. He wasn’t expecting Tyler to bring up what had happened. Josh shrugged and shook his head saying: “no, I’m sorry. I have no right to judge you.” He noticed that Tyler was shivering and Josh wondered if he was okay, whether that was just something that happened. A moment passed between them until Josh realised Tyler was crying. He ducked his head to meet Tyler’s gaze, seeing tears falling from lifeless eyes. “Tyler?” He put his hand on Tyler’s shoulder, startling him.

“I don’t know what to do.” Tyler cried as sobs wracked his body. Josh had never seen anyone have such a rapid change in emotions before and he had no idea what to do. “I need-” Tyler dug into his pocket, pulling out a small bag, just like the one Josh saw before. Tyler let out a whine, like he was in pain, before letting the empty bag fall to the floor. Josh watched Tyler sink to the floor, he looked exhausted.

“Come on.” Josh linked his arms under Tyler’s, pulling him up. Tyler was underweight and Josh cringed at thought of his perfect boy not looking after himself.

“Let’s go,” Josh said as Tyler clung to him. Josh all but carried Tyler to his car before helping him into the passages seat. He got in himself and started the engine, taking a second to breathe. Tyler had calmed down, his face was pressed against the window. “I’m a mess, Josh.” He mumbled quietly. Josh said nothing, just drove.

They ended up at a twenty-four-hour diner Josh just happened to drive past. Tyler said he wasn’t hungry but Josh still brought him some fries and told him to eat them. “Sorry,” Tyler said after a while of silence. “For breaking down.” He bit a fry in half, looking down at the table.

“Don’t be sorry,” Josh told him, taking a drink of the awful coffee he’d brought for himself. “Talk to me?” He asked, his voice soft.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders. “You don’t care about me.”

“That’s not true.” Josh leant forward, catching Tyler’s eye. “I care.” Tyler’s red eyes were wet again and Josh’s heart broke for him. “I try to stop, but it’s so hard because I feel like shit. I’m so sad, Josh. Sometimes I think I should throw myself off a tall building.” Josh bit his lip, not wanting to interrupt Tyler. He knew that he needed to get it all out and there was no point in telling him not to be sad. People often thought that those words were a magic cure, that telling you to 'cheer up’ will magically cure you. He wanted to hold Tyler tight and keep him safe, keep him away from tall buildings but he needed to sit and listen to him first. “How do you do it?” Tyler raised his gaze, looking at Josh.

“Do what?” Josh asked, desperately holding Tyler’s sad eyes.

“Have everything so together? Be normal?” Josh sighed and rubbed his eye. He was tired and emotionally drained.  
“No one's life is perfect, Tyler. We all have downers.” He answered. “You just need to learn how to cope without-” Josh couldn’t say it. Drugs? Coke? He didn’t know how to address the situation so he didn’t finish. Tyler said nothing, just nibbled at his fries, his tired eyes down again. 

“Can I help? What’s so bad in your life, Tyler?”  
Tyler shrugged as he said: “You can’t help. I’m just built this way.”

Josh nodded, watching him closely. He had dark circles around his eyes and the whites of his eyes were red and irritated. He looked a mess. He was too thin and exhausted but Josh could see under all that, he could see his beauty. “I had a boyfriend,” Tyler said, pulling Josh out of his trance. “He was bad news, the boy everyone warns you about, the boy I was told to stay away from.” Tyler put down the fry he was holding, pushing his plate away slightly. “The boy that took drugs, the boy who showed me _how_ to take drugs. The boy that got me hooked and then left me.” Tyler had obviously come down from his high, Josh could see he was calm. He was talking normally but his knee restlessly bobbed, his foot continually tapping. “My family disowned me. My friends. I moved away and it’s all I have, you have to understand, it’s all I _have_.” Josh knew what Tyler meant by 'it’ and reached his hand out, laying it palm up in front of Tyler. Tyler hesitated before taking hold of it, he was trembling and Josh squeezed.

“Please don’t waste your life,” Josh begged. “You have so much talent and-” Tyler scoffed and Josh rolled his eyes. “You have talent dude.”

“I play in a dirty club on Fridays and busk in the streets all week. Very talented.” Tyler spat.  
Josh shrugged one shoulder. “So?” He smiled. “we all have to start somewhere man.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Tyler suddenly asked, watching the waitress clear a table behind Josh.  
Josh shrugged. The diner was empty now, they were only ones in there and as the waitress cleared their table, Josh knew the night was over. They stood up and Josh knew that Tyler was going to get another fix as soon as he could.

“Where do you live? I’ll give you a ride.” Josh shivered as the cold air hit him. They were standing by Josh’s car, hands in pockets, Tyler was hunched into himself.

“It’s okay, I don’t live far,” Tyler said. “Thanks though. And thanks for being cool.”

“Here.” Josh pulled Tyler’s phone out of his hand and tapped in his number. “Just in case.” He smiled. “Are you sure about the ride? It’s 2am.”

Tyler shuffled and nodded. “It’s a two-minute walk.” Josh gave him back his phone and unlocked his car. “Take care, Tyler.”

“I’ll see you next Friday?” Tyler asked and there was something in his eyes that looked like hope.  
“Yeah. See you next week.”

 

❤️

Josh ended up explaining the whole story to Mark. He started with seeing Tyler the first time and ended with him and Tyler going to the diner together and everything in between. Mark sat and listened, his face expressing everything from concern to humour to disgust. “I’m going to help him.” Josh decided. He was on a break at work and Mark had met him there, the pair sitting in a corner booth sharing a plate of food.

“Why? Leave before you get too attached. Or should I say, even _more_ attached.”

Josh frowned. “I can’t.” He had decided he needed to help Tyler after their night in the diner last Friday. “He was made for greater things Mark.”

“You don’t even know him!”

“But I feel like I do!” Josh stressed. He couldn’t explain it, couldn’t describe how or what drew him to Tyler, but he knew he had to do something.  
“You’re going to get hurt,” Mark said, shaking his head. “Or even worse, dragged down with him.” Mark leaned forward, hushing his voice. “His boyfriend got him onto the stuff, he could do the same to you, dude.”

“Don’t be so ridiculous!” Josh whisper-shouted. “I can’t believe you think I would-”

“Am I supposed to be happy that my best friend is hanging out with a man that sucks dick for drugs?” Josh snapped his head around, making sure no one was within hearing distance. “Whatever dude.” He said before getting up and leaving, going into the kitchen where he knew Mark couldn’t follow him.

Mark’s words played around in Josh’s head all day. He laid in bed that night thinking about Tyler and the situation he was in. He trusted himself and more importantly, he trusted Tyler. He knew Mark was wrong and he knew that he could help Tyler, or at least try to help. He closed his eyes and thought about Tyler’s songs, playing them back in his head until he drifted off to sleep.

“Hello?” Josh mumbled, holding his phone to his ear. He hadn’t looked at the time, his phone was too bright on his sleepy eyes but he knew it was after midnight.

“Hey, Josh?” A small voice came from the other end.

“Yeah Tyler, it’s me.” He sat up slightly, rubbing his eyes.

“Can you pick me up?” Tyler asked, his voice thick. He was crying.

“You okay?”

“Please just come?”

“Okay, where are you?” Josh got out of bed as Tyler told him where he was. He knew where to go as finally being a pizza delivery boy was paying off. “I’ll be there in two.” He put the phone down and shrugged on a jumper and some sweats before leaving.

Tyler was waiting on the side of the road as Josh slowed to a stop. He got in and thanked Josh. “I had no one else to call.” He said and Josh’s heart sunk. His face was a mess. “Oh my god, what happened?” Josh reached out to touch the purple skin stretched across Tyler’s cheekbone. “Just- please drive.”

Josh dropped it and drove.

He ended up taking Tyler back to his place. He had made him a coffee and sat him down on the sofa. “What happened?” Josh asked again, pressing a cotton ball to Tyler’s bloody lip. “You call me in the middle of the night and I pick you up in this state. I think you owe an explanation Tyler.” Josh said at Tyler’s stubborn silence.

“I owed a man money ’s'all.” He shrugged, wincing as Josh cleaned his cuts.

“A dealer?”

“No, a parking assistant,” Tyler said sarcastically and Josh pressed particularly hard against a bruise.

“You need-”

“To stop. Yeah.” Tyler flinched away from Josh’s touch so Josh stopped what he was doing.

“Will you tell the police?”

“What? That I stole drugs from a dealer and couldn’t pay him back so he beat me up? No, Josh. I won’t call the cops.”

Josh sat back and watched Tyler twitch. His muscles seemed to jump randomly and his face was never still. “Are you high now?” Josh asked, knowing that he was. He had googled the effects of cocaine and what happens to someone who’s high, so he knew the signs.

Tyler stayed silent. “Do you have any more drugs on you Tyler?”

“No,” Tyler answered quickly. Josh had read that a high from sniffing coke only lasted half an hour at the most so Tyler would come down very soon. He wasn’t sure what happened after that.

“You can stay here tonight and I’ll drive you home in the morning,” Josh told him, getting to his feet. “Bathroom here-” Tyler followed Josh where he pointed out the bathroom. “I’ll get the spare blankets.” He headed to his bedroom and opened his storage cupboard, pulling out the spare bedding he kept for friends. He briefly wondered if letting Tyler stay was a good idea but dismissed it. Where else could he go? At least Josh knew he was safe.

“Thanks.” Tyler’s voice came from behind him, making him jump. “Can I shower?” Tyler had that same tired look about him and he seemed to look so small. Josh nodded,

“I’ll get you some spare clothes. Everything you need is on the side of the bath.” Tyler smiled and nodded before shuffling away. Josh watched him go, a heavy sadness in his chest.

 

❤️

Tyler laid on his back, the blankets drowning his small frame. His mouth was open, heavy breaths the only sound in Josh’s living room. Josh sat in the chair, studying him. He was too worried to go to bed at first, didn’t want to leave Tyler but he didn’t know why he was _still_ sitting there, his eyes fixed on the sleeping boy. After his shower, Tyler had cried a little, spoke about changing his life and Josh had held him through it. Tyler was frail, mentally and physically and Josh didn’t know how to change that, but he knew he had to help him somehow. He checked the time, it was 4am and he had to be up for work in four hours. He closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated on the sound of Tyler’s breathing.

The next time Josh opened his eyes, Tyler was sitting on the sofa, blankets folded up nearly and coffee on the table. “Morning.” He mumbled and Josh was confused for a few seconds before he remembered what had happened. “What’s the time?” He asked, sitting up and wiping the drool off of his chin.

“Ten. Your boss called and I said you were sick. He said you can make the hours up on Thursday.” Josh let out a breath and nodded. He had a headache and his body ached from the awkward position he had slept in. “Thanks.” He whispered, his throat sore. He felt terrible and was incredibly hungry, his stomach ached, his muscles cramping and bile churning. He had these 'episodes’ as Josh called them, every now and then, his body empty of food, starved and weak. He ran his tongue over the sores on the inside of his lip and winced. They never healed and when Josh had googled them, he discovered it was from the vomiting, stomach acid splitting the skin. Josh felt sad and all of a sudden he was emotional, squeezing his eyes closed against the tears.

“You okay?” Tyler moved closer, his hand rubbing circles on Josh’s back. “What’s wrong?” Josh shook his head, rubbing his face. “Nothing.” He stood up, trying to get away, holding his painful stomach. He hated getting emotional, hated people seeing him like this.

“It’s not nothing, what’s wrong Josh?” Tyler grabbed his arm and Josh realised that Tyler wasn’t high. It was probably the only time Josh had seen him sober.

“I’m just tired,” Josh told him.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” Tyler said, looking worried. “I didn’t mean-”

“No it’s not you Tyler-” Josh said “I’ve just been working a lot and-” the realisation suddenly hit Josh that it was rent day.

“What?” Tyler asked, his eyes flicking between Josh’s eyes.

“My rent is due today.” Josh thought over his usual plan. He wouldn’t answer the door, would let his phone ring onto voicemail and hopefully Mr Brown would leave him alone.

“Is that bad?” Tyler asked.

“I have around fifty dollars to my name, so yeah.” Josh closed his eyes and breathed, suddenly wanting to eat his way through his kitchen. He flicked his eyes to his 'drum kit fund’ jar but he knew there was no way near enough in there. Tyler suddenly pulled him into a hug and Josh melted against the warm body, holding on tightly. Tyler’s fingers ghosted over the graze on Josh’s knuckles. “My sister” he started, holding Josh’s hand in his own, the other hand moving over the graze that never seemed to heal. “She’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever known.” He smiled fondly “but she didn’t think so. Got worried about her hair, her skin,” Tyler paused, meeting Josh’s worried eyes. “Her weight.” Josh shifted slightly, knowing what Tyler was thinking. “The silly girl decided the only way to lose weight was to throw up after every meal.”

Josh looked at his shoes, his mind screaming. The secret was out, the last bit of control gone. “But I remember that she had these, these grazes over her fingers. The doctors said it’s where they always caught on her teeth every time she made herself ill.” Tyler continued, his fingers still toying with Josh’s index and middle fingers. “She didn’t need to lose weight, she was perfect. Luckily, she realised this and stopped.” Josh chanced a look at Tyler. He was looking down at Josh’s hand. “How long have you been doing it?” He asked, flicking his eyes up to meet Josh’s.

“It’s not a weight issue.” He told Tyler quietly. “I don’t know when it all started. Maybe when I moved here? When I moved out of my Mom’s house. It feels like it’s been forever, it’s the only thing I know now.” Josh looked at Tyler, his eyes focused on Josh, listening intently.

Josh ended up telling Tyler everything. Tyler was good at getting information and even better at listening. Josh liked him a lot, he was so normal. There was no twitching, no aggression or hyper laughter, just Tyler. Josh wasn’t fooled into believing that as soon as Tyler left, he wasn’t going to get high because he knew that’s how it worked. “You don’t need me adding to your problems-” Tyler said, his eyes sad. Josh smiled at him, “I think we need each other.”

 

❤️

“I need to go,” Tyler said after breakfast. He was shaking slightly and his movements were slow and tired. “I’ll walk.” He added, going to the door.

“What’re you going to do?” Josh asked quickly, his heart heavy. Tyler shifted, his eyes everywhere, never meeting Josh’s face.

“I need-” his eyes met Josh’s “-need to go.”

Josh stepped forward. “What can I do to stop you?” Tyler looked down at his feet and said nothing. “What can I do to stop you getting high Tyler?”

Tyler looked at Josh again, his eyes pleading. Josh knew that he had no money and would have to steal again, which was too dangerous. Or pay in other ways like before in that dark alley. Josh stepped forward again. “Can you-” Tyler cut himself short, looking away again and Josh just wished that he would hold his gaze.

“What?” Josh moved himself, trying to catch Tyler’s eye again. Tyler turned to look at him, moving his body towards him. The next thing Josh knew, Tyler’s lips were against his, his breathing heavy, eyes screwed shut.

“I need you to fuck me, Josh.”

“What?” Josh pulled back to look at Tyler, his eyes wide and their bodies pressed together. Tyler’s words had an immediate effect on Josh’s body, making him squirm.  
“It’ll help me. Distract me.” Tyler breathed, his hot breath on Josh’s lips. He didn’t want to take advantage of Tyler and didn’t want him to regret it. He wanted Tyler but what if this scared Tyler away? “It’s the only way you can help me,” Tyler mumbled, watching Josh silently battle with himself. “I’ve never met anyone like you before Josh and I _want_ you.” Josh moved forward again, closing the space between them.

Tyler’s lips moved fast against his, opening up and letting Josh deepen the kiss. Somewhere in the back of Josh’s mind, he knew he should stop, that it was a bad idea but as Tyler ground his hips against Josh’s, all logical thought was lost. Tyler’s fingers fumbled with Josh’s pants, undoing them quickly. Josh moaned into the kiss, breaking away to pull Tyler’s hoodie and shirt over his head. Josh kissed his neck and collarbones, nipping and licking his way over the skin, savouring his taste. Tyler’s hands gripped Josh’s hair, pulling the strands while pushing him closer to his skin, grunting and humming, his sweet voice the perfect melody. Josh pulled back and Tyler made quick work of removing his shirt, dropping to his knees and pulling at Josh’s jeans and boxers. Josh threw his head back as Tyler licked his length before wrapping his lips around him and flicking his tongue against the slit. Josh whimpered, looking down at the beautiful boy, his face flushed, big brown eyes looking up at him as he sunk down on Josh. It was too much, Josh wasn’t going to last. He couldn’t believe how perfect Tyler was, his perfect singer was finally all his. Josh tried to remember the last time he had been intimate with someone. A man’s face came to mind, the guy Josh had picked up at a bar months ago and he couldn’t even remember his name Tyler was peppering kisses over Josh’s thighs and stomach, drawing Josh out of his thoughts. He reached for Tyler, pulling him to his feet and leading him to the bedroom, their clothes left scattered on the floor.

“Tyler-” Josh whispered as he braced himself above the singer, a hand either side of Tyler’s face, holding himself up. “You’re so pretty.” He told him, a deep blush spreading on Tyler’s cheeks and neck.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” He smiled, pulling Josh towards him for a hard kiss. Josh complied, his hips moving against Tyler’s. “You’re so fucking hot.” Tyler breathed, throwing his head back. Josh took advantage of the expanse of skin, sucking and nipping spots on Tyler’s neck. Tyler gripped the sheets, his hips moving with Josh’s while Josh’s lips worked at his neck. “Fuck-” Tyler whined, drawing out the 'u’, his voice needy. Josh sat up, opening his bedside drawer and pulling out a condom and a bottle of lube. He slicked up his fingers, trailing them down Tyler’s body, teasing him slightly before bringing them down to his entrance.

Josh watched Tyler’s face closely as he stretched him, his lips were parted, eyes closed and every now and then his face would tense, eyebrows drawn together, lips pouting and Josh had never seen anything so beautiful. “Please?” Tyler whimpered, not having to ask twice before Josh was rolling on the condom, hissing at the touch. He poured a generous amount of lube on before lining himself up. Josh leaned down into a heated kiss and Tyler wrapped his arms around his neck, holding him in place. “Ready?” Josh asked against hot lips. Tyler nodded against him and Josh kissed him again, pushing himself into Tyler. Josh dropped his head against Tyler’s shoulder, the tight heat almost too much.

“Go-” Tyler gritted out, moving his hips, wanting him to move. Josh moved his hips in a small circler motions, making Tyler arch his back, his muscles tensing up around Josh. Josh pulled himself back before pushing back into him, Tyler’s legs coming to wrap around Josh’s hips, angling himself so Josh could get deeper.

Tyler was vocal, Josh’s name and a string of curses filling Josh’s ears along with the sound of skin hitting skin. It was intense and Josh could feel every little thing that Tyler felt. “You’re so good-” Tyler said, his voice high pitched and strained. “So fucking- ah- so good.”

Josh hummed a response, moaning low in his throat. He closed his eyes, letting Tyler surround him, the warmth, his little noises in between words, his beautiful voice filling Josh’s ears. Tyler brought his hands up to Josh’s face, his fingertips tracing his features and Josh thought about how those fingers danced across the keys of his piano, delicate yet firm. “Tyler… fuck ’m close.” Josh opened his eyes again to look at his singer, the perfect man who was underneath his body and he snaked his hand down his body before taking hold of him and pumping in time with his thrusts.

“Fuck Josh!” Tyler shouted, his legs opening, his hands gripping onto Josh for dear life. Josh saw tears on Tyler’s face and kissed his cheek, kissing away the tears. A second later, Tyler was coming, his muscles tensing, his whole body shaking under Josh’s, coming over his and Josh’s stomachs and chests.

Josh chased his own realise, soon following, white-hot heat pooling as he came harder than he’d ever had before.

“Fuck.” Josh breathed, his bones turning to jelly as he flopped down on top of Tyler.

Tyler’s hands were in his hair, stroking and musing as Josh pulled out. He removed the condom and let it fall into the small bin next to his bed before resting back on top of Tyler. They were both sweaty and sticky, Tyler’s come drying between their bodies, but Josh didn’t care, all he could think about was Tyler’s touch. His hands running over his hair, his warm body under his own and his soft voice telling Josh how much he loved it, how good Josh is to him and thanking him over and over. Josh leaned up to kiss him, the words on the tip of his tongue swallowed by Tyler’s lips.

 

❤️

Tyler was gone when Josh woke up. There was no sign of him, no note or call and when Josh looked at his call the night before, Tyler had called him from a pay phone so he couldn’t call him back. He sat up, feeling full and sick. He shuffled to the bathroom and ran a shower. The water ran as Josh threw up twice into the toilet.

It was 3pm when Josh got out of the shower and dressed. He grabbed his phone and opened it, finding a string of missed calls from his landlord and two missed calls from Mark. He sighed and rubbed his thumb over the grazes on his fingers that Tyler had pointed out. Josh decided to text Mark, asking if he could go to his place. He text back almost instantly, and Josh quickly left, making sure he wouldn’t see Mr Brown on the way out.

“What’s up?” Mark greeted as he let Josh inside.

“Not much.” Josh answered, sitting down in the chair that he usually sat in. “I was with Tyler.” Mark narrowed his eyes, sitting opposite him. “And?”  
“We had sex.” Josh admitted, feeling emotional again. He didn’t cry though, just picked at the tear in his jeans.

“Please tell me you used protection man?” Mark sighed. Josh nodded and Mark relaxed slightly.

“What?” Josh snapped, defensively. “Really? The dude sucks dicks for drugs! He could have a whole list of diseases man!” Mark stressed, waving his hands about. Josh huffed, taking offence at his words, although if he thought about it, he would understand where Mark was coming from. He knew nothing about Tyler apart from the fact he is on drugs and exchanges sexual favours in alleys. Josh poked his sore lip with his tongue. It had been bleeding, kissing Tyler had opened the sore but Josh didn’t regret it.

“What’s got into you?” Mark was asking, bringing Josh’s attention back to him. “You’re acting strange, hanging around with-”

“Who?” Josh snapped “who am I hanging around with Mark? Why can’t you just leave him alone?” Josh got to his feet, Mark reaching out to grab his arm.

“You’re not normally like this!”

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.” Josh said as he opened the door. “ Tyler knows me, he understands me. He knows more about me than anyone else.” Josh walked out, slamming the door and quickly getting into his car.

It wasn’t until he was halfway home, that he realised he was in the wrong. He was out of order for snapping at Mark and he text him as soon as he got home to apologise. He thought about Tyler and hoped he was safe. Josh knew he had left his house and gone straight to a dealer and as he sat down in the silence of his living room, he missed him.

He had nothing to do, no one to talk to so he googled how to stop taking cocaine, searching distraction techniques and maybe some support meetings. He had to help Tyler get off the drugs. Josh read that coke stimulates the same part of your brain that gets triggered by pleasure, eating chocolate, working out and sex all released the same trigger and it made sense that Tyler wanted to have sex so he wouldn’t crave drugs. Josh thought back to their conversation about Josh being sick. Not once did Tyler tell him to give it up. He knew he couldn’t tell someone to give something up when he was addicted to drugs. He understood as much as Josh did in that diner, that telling Josh to get over it wouldn’t help him. Those magic words: 'cheer up’ wouldn't help either of them and Tyler knew it as much as he did.

Tyler had told him that he could be hurting himself internally, told him he should go and see someone about it, a therapist or a doctor, but he didn’t outrightly tell him to stop doing it. Josh had to rethink, he realised that he had to stop telling Tyler to give up the drugs. He needed to be there for him, be a friend and try to guide him without being overpowering.

Josh went to bed thinking about Tyler. It was normal for him to be thinking about Tyler, the singer had consumed him. Josh couldn’t put his finger on it, didn’t know why he was completely enamoured by this boy. He closed his eyes and hoped he would hear from Tyler soon.

 

❤️

Josh didn’t hear from Tyler all week and he was worried. He stood in the back of the bar, his eyes on the stage, praying it was going to be Tyler playing.

 A tap on his shoulder startled him out of this thoughts and he turned to see Tyler. “Hey, Josh.” Josh had never seen him in the main bar and somehow he looked out of place. “Tyler.” Josh breathed. “I’m so glad you’re okay, I was worried,” He admitted as Tyler’s fingers touched his fingertips lightly. “My phone got stolen and I didn’t know where you lived, I wasn’t looking when you drove me there and I couldn’t contact you and I was hoping you’d be here tonight and not mad at me-”

“Tyler slow down.” Josh cut into Tyler’s rambling.

Tyler closed his mouth and wrapped his arms around Josh, holding him tight. “I’m sorry I let you down.” He mumbled in Josh’s ear. “I couldn’t stay away, I left yours and I tried so hard Josh.”

Josh held him and shushed him. “It’s okay, I know.” Tyler pulled away and fixed his eyes on Josh.

“I wrote you a song.” He said and Josh’s heart skipped a beat. “Really?” He breathed, a smile creeping on his lips.

“Yeah, it’s the first song I’m gonna sing. Please listen? I wrote it when you were asleep.” Josh nodded and Tyler smiled, moving off without another word.

Josh turned back to the stage, ignoring the looks he was getting from the people around him and he guessed that Tyler must have a reputation around here. He walked to a spare table in front of the stage and smiled at Tyler as he walked out. Tyler smiled a tiny smile and sat at his piano. One more glance at Josh and his fingers were pressing the keys creating a sweet melody. Tyler glanced at Josh again before singing. Josh held his breath, not trusting himself not to cry.

 

“I feel for you but when did you believe you were alone

You say that spiders crawled inside and made themselves a home

Where light once was

 

Petrified of who you are and who you have become

You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone

To exterminate your bones

 

Friend, please remove your hands from

Over your eyes for me

I know you want to leave but

Friend, please don’t take your life away from me

 

Living like a ghost you walk by everyone you know

You say that you’re fine but you have lost your sway and glow

So I stopped by to let you know

 

Friend, please remove your hands from

Over your eyes for me

I know you want to leave but

Friend, please don’t take your life away from me

 

Would you let me know your plans tonight

'Cause I just won’t let go 'til we both see the light

And I have nothing else left to say

But I will listen to you all day, yes I will

 

Friend, please remove your hands from

Over your eyes for me

I know you want to leave but

Friend, please don’t take your life away from me.”

 

Josh never took his eyes from Tyler as he listened carefully. He felt like he was falling, couldn’t catch his breath and tried desperately to hold it together. Josh flicked his eyes around the bar seeing people talking or listening to Tyler. No one knew that the song, Tyler’s heartfelt lyrics were _his_ and Josh felt a shot of excitement run through him. Tyler had written him a song and it was beautiful. Josh looked back at Tyler, quickly wiping his face of any tears that may have fallen.

 

❤️

Tyler walked with Josh to his car after he had finished playing. Josh had told him how great he was, how touched he was at the song Tyler had written for him and how much he loved it and suddenly, lips were on lips, hot and wet. Josh pulled Tyler’s hips into his, his back against his car. Tyler reached behind him and opened the back door, guiding Josh onto the back seats.

 “You taste like puke.” Tyler said as he pulled the car door shut behind him. Josh’s eyes widened, he opened his mouth to apologise but Tyler was back, kissing him, licking into his mouth. “It’s okay.” He mumbled as he pulled away to breathe, making Josh blush. Tyler straddled him, a knee each side of Josh’s hips, grinding down on him. Josh had never done anything like this before, in the backseat of his car, in public and felt a bolt of nervous excitement. He bucked his hips up to meet Tyler’s, Tyler throwing his head back and moaning. “Been thinking about this all night.” He mumbled, nipping Josh’s neck. “I don’t have protection.” Josh squeaked out and Tyler pressed down partially hard. “We can just do this-” Tyler said as he began to full on hump Josh. Josh moaned, kissing Tyler’s jaw, behind his ear and moving to his neck. “Sing me that song-” Josh mumbled, “the one you wrote for me.”

Tyler sang the first line, his voice shaky and off pitch, his head lolling back on his shoulders as Josh licked an nipped at his neck. He still sounded perfect to Josh as he continued on, his vocal chords vibrating against Josh’s lips. Josh moaned against his skin, his hips rutting against Tyler’s, _feeling_ the lyrics as well as hearing them as Tyler sang on. Josh came first, finding his release before Tyler finished the song, coming warm and sticky in his pants. Tyler’s voice was unsteady, he was missing out words muddling them up and Josh knew he was close. Josh palmed him through his jeans and Tyler was soon coming, his palms flat against the roof of the car, his head thrown back and Josh’s name being shouted into the heat. Josh watched him in awe, his beautiful singer, too good to be humping someone in the back of a car.

“Fuck Josh.” Tyler whispered, resting his head on Josh’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Josh said, his arms wrapping around Tyler’s small frame.

“Let’s go to yours?” Tyler asked, looking up and meeting Josh’s eyes.

“I’m avoiding going home-” Josh told him as Tyler moved off, getting out of the car. Josh climbed into the driver's seat and Tyler got back into the car. “Can we go to yours?”

Tyler looked uncertain. “I rent a room in a horrible house that I share with two alcoholics and a meth addict.” Josh’s eyes widened slightly.  
“That’s okay, let’s go,” He finally said before starting his car and driving.

 

❤️

Tyler’s room was empty apart from a single bed and two small piles of folded clothes that lay on the floor in the far corner. Josh didn’t mind the small bed as Tyler kissed him hungrily, laying on top of him. He had eaten his way through a pack of mints on the way to Tyler’s, conscious of himself and the taste of vomit.

“Do you need food?” Tyler asked against Josh’s collarbone, where he was certainly leaving purple marks. “No.” Josh answered and Tyler sat up, looking down at him. Josh’s heart sped up a little at the sight of Tyler sitting in his lap, lips red and eyes blown.

“Your stomach is growling.” Tyler pointed out. “I’m getting you some food,” he decided before getting up. Josh watched him leave, and sat himself up, looking around the room. The walls were plain white and there were no curtains, it was so bare. Raised voices caught Josh’s attention so he got up and pressed his ear to the door. He could Tyler’s voice but it was too muffled so he opened the door slightly and pressed his ear to the opening. “I haven’t got any!” Tyler was saying. “He’s not like us, he’s good, decent.” Josh heard Tyler say followed by an unfamiliar voice. Josh didn’t quite catch what the other person said before Tyler was talking again. “He’s not paying me for sex. I’ve stopped that.”

Josh stepped away from the door, feeling sick. He looked at the bed and wondered how many people had been in it. “He’s a good man and I can’t fuck this up, I’m going clean.” Tyler continued. “I really like him.” He heard the other voice tell Tyler that he was pleased for him and that he was leaving and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. Josh got back on the bed just as Tyler appeared with a plate and two drinks.

“It’s all we had.” Tyler said handing Josh a peanut butter sandwich and a can of cheap lemonade.

“Thanks.” Josh smiled.

“You okay?” Tyler asked as he sat down. “You upset about eating?”

“No.” Josh sighed. “I told you, it’s not about food. It’s not a weight thing.” Josh picked up one half of the sandwich and offered Tyler the other half.

Tyler shook his head and asked, “why do you do it then?”

Josh shrugged his shoulders. “I was sad. Really sad” He started “and one day I got in a state and threw up. It felt kinda good. Like a relief, y'know?” Josh took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. “After that, it became a habit.”

“It’s self-harm.” Tyler said. “Tell me about yourself, Josh.”

“What do you wanna know?” Josh asked glad for the change of subject.

“Anything.” Tyler smiled lightly. “I feel like I know you more than anyone but at the same time, I don’t even know your favourite colour.”

“Blue.” Josh supplied, putting his food down.

“Red.” Tyler said, taking a drink.

“My favourite animals are cats.”

“I’ll take any animal.” Tyler smiled.

“My favourite food is tacos.” Tyler said, dramatically licking his lips.

“Pizza.” Josh hummed “anything but pineapple.” He smiled.

Tyler crawled into Josh’s lap and kissed him. “My favourite person is you.” He said quietly and Josh felt like crying.

“You’re mine too.” He said, his voice cracking.

“I’m going clean Josh, for you.” Tyler’s lips were next to Josh’s ear, making him shiver. He nodded, his hand rubbing Tyler back, the other hand still holding his plate.

“I’ll give up if you do.” Tyler sat back to look at Josh. He frowned back at Tyler, Josh didn’t even drink alcohol, let alone take drugs. “I’ll get better if you get better.” Tyler said, his eyes sad.

Josh nodded and Tyler groaned. “You don’t see it do you?”

“I’m gonna stop.” Josh cut in looking at Tyler.

“Get better for me.” Tyler said as he kissed Josh’s neck and Josh wanted nothing more.

 

❤️

Josh woke up the next morning with Tyler laying on top of him. The small bed didn’t leave much room, but Josh didn’t mind. Tyler was fast asleep and Josh stroked his hair as he thought about how things had professed. They were both naked and sticky and Josh felt just a little gross. He also felt too full. Josh would usually go to bed with an emptied stomach, and although all he had was half a peanut butter sandwich, it sat heavily in his stomach. He could almost feel it, and Tyler laying on top of him was drawing even more attention to the fullness. Josh reached for his phone that lay on the floor beside the bed to check the time. It was almost 11am. He tried to move under Tyler, trying to get comfortable but he was a dead weight. Josh expected this, the sleeping. He had already read that coming off of cocaine could cause excessive sleeping. He also knew it caused severe depression, which Josh had already seen in Tyler. He wrapped his arms around him and flipped him onto his side without waking him. Josh lay facing Tyler, watching his face, peaceful and perfect. He thought about the song Tyler had written for him, tried to remember as many as the lyrics as possible. He brought a hand up to Tyler’s face, smoothing his fingertips over his cheek. He leaned forward and kissed his lips before closing his own eyes again and chasing sleep.

 The next time Josh woke up, Tyler was sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hands. His knee was bobbing, foot tapping.

“Morning,” Josh mumbled as he sat up. Tyler gave a nod in answer. “You okay?” He asked, reaching out and rubbing Tyler’s back.

“I have a headache. I’m tired.” Tyler snapped, standing up and pulling on some shorts. Josh moved so he was sat on the edge of the bed, watching Tyler. His fingers were twitching, tapping on his thigh. “Why are you even here Josh?”

Josh met Tyler’s hard eyes. “Tyler…” He sighed, reaching for his own pants. He shoved his come stained briefs in his jean pocket, deciding not to wear them.

“I thought you would have left me by now.” Tyler continued, tears forming. Josh stood up and reached out but Tyler dodged his touch.

“Don’t be like this!” Josh raised his voice in frustration and Tyler flashed his eyes, about to blow.

“Everything I touch, I fuck up Josh!” He screamed. “You’re gonna see. You’re gonna realise that I’m not worth it and leave me!”

“I’m here aren’t I?” Josh pulled on his shirt. He was scared, not scared of Tyler but scared _for_ Tyler. He didn’t know how to fix this.

“Why are you looking at me like that?!” Tyler shouted as he paced the floor.

“Calm down.” Josh told him, stepping forward. “You’re being-”

“What?” Tyler snapped “you seem to be the expert, tell me, Josh, how am I being?” Josh fixed him with a stare and opened his mouth to speak.

 “Just go.” Tyler said before any words could leave Josh’s lips.

“Tyler please-”

“Go!” Tyler shouted, tears falling now. Josh stepped towards the door. He didn’t want to leave Tyler in a state, didn’t want him to get high or do anything stupid. But whatever Tyler was going through, Josh was obviously making it worse and he didn’t know if leaving him alone was best for him or not. Tyler was sobbing now and Josh moved to comfort him but Tyler was shouting something Josh couldn’t understand. He backed off and opened the door, glancing back at him before hurrying out. He got in his car, shaking and holding back tears. He waited outside, glancing at Tyler’s door every so often until he finally realised that he wasn’t coming out. He wasn’t going to change his mind, he didn’t want Josh.

 Josh drove home, his mind replaying Tyler’s words over and over. He got home and put his keys down on the usual table, followed by his phone. He calmly walked to the bathroom and knelt down beside the toilet before sticking his fingers down his throat.

 

❤️

“Josh?” Josh snapped his head up to see Mark standing over him. “I’ve been trying to call. Your door was unlocked.” He explained as Josh flushed the toilet. He had no idea how long he’d been there, face against the toilet, sleeping. “You been eating days old pizza again? What have I told you about that?” Mark said as he helped Josh stand up.

“I’m not ill.” Josh mumbled but it went unheard as Mark helped him into the living room and onto the sofa.

“I’ll get you some water.”

Josh felt like crying again. He thought about Tyler and his stomach hurt. “Here-” a glass was pressed into his hand and he drank gratefully. “Have you called work?” Mark asked. Josh panicked, he hadn’t even considered work, completely forgetting about it. “I’ll call. You’re sick, Gian will understand.” Mark walked away and Josh rubbed his face. His throat was sore, lips were sore. He wondered If Tyler was high.

“He said you were sick the other day?” Mark asked as he reappeared. “I just said you- what’s that?” Mark bent to Josh’s level and lifted his chin, exposing his neck. “Hickies?” Mark scoffed “have you been with Tyler? Is that why you’re sick? You haven’t taken anyth-”

“Mark, no.” Josh interrupted. “He’s clean now.” Josh silently hoped Tyler still was.

“Go to bed and I’ll make some chicken noodles.” Mark said helping Josh up. “I’ll stay and look after you.” Josh was grateful for Mark but he needed to go and see Tyler. He felt sick and trapped, worried about what Tyler was doing.

 Josh went to bed as instructed and laid down. He wasn’t tired, wasn’t really ill, but he couldn’t tell Mark that. He put on some music and thought about Tyler until Mark brought him some food. Josh suddenly felt very guilty. He promised Tyler he wouldn’t make himself sick again, they were getting better together and he broke their promises. Mark brought him some noodles and sat beside him on his bed. He didn’t mention Tyler again which Josh was thankful for, but Josh couldn’t get Tyler out of his mind.

Josh fell asleep after a while and Mark had left by the time he woke up, with a note left on Josh’s other pillow. He got up and got dressed, changing out of his dirty clothes from the day before. He needed to see Tyler. He grabbed his keys and phone and paused to look at the bathroom door. His hand instinctively rested on his full stomach, his tongue poking his sore inner lip. Josh quickly turned away, opening the door and rushing out.

 

❤️

Josh just about remembered the way to Tyler’s without him in the car directing him. A few wrong turns later and he had found his way there and was knocking on the door. A man answered, skinny and spotty, his face sunken and he had no teeth. Josh guessed this was the meth addict. “Hey, is Tyler there?” Josh asked, a little intimidated by the man.

The man answered by walking away, back into the house with a “good luck.” Josh let himself in and knocked on Tyler’s door. Tyler’s room was what should have been the living room, the first door when you came into the house. The hallway had graffiti all over the walls and there was a general mess everywhere. “Tyler?” Josh opened his door and peeked in. Tyler was sleeping, under a bundle of blankets. “Ty?” Josh whispered before walking inside and closing the door behind him. Tyler stirred under the blankets so Josh sat down on the floor, his back against resting against the bed frame. “I’m sorry Tyler.” He whispered. “I’ve let you down.”

 “Josh?” Tyler’s voice was hoarse, thick with sleep. “Oh my god Josh.” Tyler sat up at the same time as him, their eyes meeting. “You came back?”

“Of course I came back.” Josh told him, sitting on the bed beside Tyler.

“I'm sorry. I thought I’d ruined everything, I don’t know why I shouted at-”

It was Josh’s lips that cut Tyler’s words short. Josh hoped he tasted like the noodles Mark had made him eat and not vomit. “Josh, please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.” Josh moved so he holding Tyler, his heart almost stopping at the embrace. Tyler was crying, sobbing into Josh’s shirt as Josh gently rocked him. He climbed onto Josh’s lap, gently rocking his hips. “I need you.” He murmured against Josh’s lips and Josh closed his eyes.

“You wanna fuck me this time?” Josh asked, watching Tyler peel his T-shirt off before kissing Josh’s chest. Tyler moaned against his skin making Josh buck his hips up against him. Josh didn’t know how Tyler did it, turned him into putty, turning him on at the snap of his fingers.

“Yes.” Tyler breathed, palming Josh through his jeans. Josh moaned, not caring how loud he was being. He briefly wondered if Tyler was high but as Tyler moved to take Josh’s jeans off, he could see his eyes were tired, his pupils normal. Josh felt a wave of guilt.

“Tyler-” Tyler was throwing each of Josh’s shoes off and peeling off his jeans. “Ty, I was sick.” Josh blurted out, making Tyler pause mid-kiss to Josh’s thigh.

 Tyler sat up, a small frown playing on his features. “Are you okay?”

“it was me. I did it.” Josh admitted. Tyler rolled his eyes and said,

“I know that, but are you okay?”

“Are you mad?” Josh asked, Tyler’s fingers drawing patterns on his thigh.

“Mad?” Tyler frowned “no, why would I be?”

“We made a deal and-”

“We all make mistakes Josh. Was it my fault?” Tyler looked away then and Josh jumped forward, holding Tyler’s face in his hands.

“No.” Josh knew that was a lie, but he couldn’t blame Tyler.

“I’m sorry for shouting Josh.” Tyler looked back at him and Josh kissed him. Tyler kissed him back with force, his hands gripping the skin on his thighs. “Can I-”

“Yes-” Josh grunted, not caring what Tyler wanted to do. He would let him do anything.

“You don’t even know what I was gonna ask.” Tyler laughed and Josh thought it was the most beautiful sound.

“Just do it.”

Tyler nodded and kissed down Josh’s body. Josh thought he knew where Tyler was heading but as he bypassed Josh’s erection Josh leaned up on his elbows to watch, curious. The realisation hit him as Tyler’s hands lifted Josh’s hips, his head ducking lower. Josh’s eyes widened. “Fuck!” He cried as Tyler’s tongue lapped at his hole, a completely new sensation for Josh. “Fuck Ty-” Tyler hummed against him, vibrations sending chills through Josh. “Oh my-” Josh breathed. “Oh god. Oh fuck.”

 Tyler giggled, pulling away slightly, making Josh laugh. “Fuck Tyler!” Josh laughed, pulling Tyler in for a sloppy kiss.

“First time?”

“Yeah. It’s strange. I loved it.” Josh smiled. Tyler got off him and took off his clothes before kneeling on the bed between Josh’s legs, his fingers running over Josh’s nipples.

Josh bit his lip, his eyes falling closed at Tyler’s touches. Tyler leaned down, hovering over Josh to kiss him as he reached between the mattress and headboard. He pulled out some lube and a condom and pressed his hips down onto Josh.

“You’re amazing.” Tyler whispered. “You don’t even know it.” Josh squeezed his eyes shut as Tyler prepared him. He wasn’t used to the stretch, couldn’t remember the last time he bottomed, but it felt good. So good, he was on the edge of coming and begging Tyler to fuck him. Tyler smirked and shuffled about, rolling on the condom and slicking himself up.

“Ready babe?” Tyler breathed, lining himself up. Josh nodded, mouth open, trying to get enough air into his lungs. Tyler pushed in, one smooth motion until he was fully inside. Josh’s name fell from his lips, his head lolling back.

Josh gasped at the feel, his fingers gripping Tyler’s pillow beneath his head. “Okay?” Tyler whispered and Josh nodded because he had never felt better. Tyler moved his hips slowly, experimentally.

“Tyler I need-” Josh cut himself short, a long moan replacing any words.

“Anything-” Tyler breathed, angling his hips differently, causing Josh to cry out.

“Just-” Josh held onto Tyler’s arms, words completely failing him. Tyler pulled away from Josh’s touch before joining their hands, linking their fingers together and kissing Josh’s knuckles.

“Tell me what you need.”

“Harder-” Josh breathed, meeting eyes. Tyler smiled briefly, his eyes flashing with fire and he paused as he pulled almost the whole way out before slamming back into him, the sound of skin on skin filling the room. Josh cried out, squeezing his eyes closed. Tyler set a faster pace, slamming into Josh, every now and then slowing down, his hips circling. Tyler spat on his palm before wrapping it around Josh, pumping him in time with his thrusts. 

Josh didn’t get a chance to warn Tyler before he was coming, long hot strips landing on his chest. Tyler slowed his pace, whispering sweet words, telling Josh how hot he is and how good he felt. Tyler picked up the pace once Josh had calmed down, moaning Josh’s name. He let go of Josh’s hands and braced himself either side of Josh’s head, lowering himself down. Josh watched him, wincing slightly at the sensitivity as Tyler licked a long stripe up Josh’s chest, through his come.

Josh whimpered at the sight. Tyler was the hottest thing Josh had ever known. Another lick and Josh pushed forward, kissing Tyler open and sloppy, his own come running down his chin as Tyler shared it with him. Tyler made a strangled sound in his throat as he came, his hips faulting, his body tensing and trembling.

Tyler’s tongue was collecting the come, licking Josh’s jaw and back up to his lips, back into a wet kiss. “Fuck Josh.” He whispered, breathing hard, “fuck.” He confirmed. Josh nodded in agreement, his brain and bones turning to jelly. Tyler pulled out and threw off the condom before laying next to Josh.

He laid on his side, his full body pressed up against Josh’s. “You’re really pretty.” He told Josh, as he turned to face Tyler, mirroring his position.

“You’re prettier.” Josh smiled. Tyler curled up against him and was soon asleep in Josh’s arms. Josh didn’t mind Tyler’s weight and the pins and needles that he caused.

 

❤️

“Let’s go for a walk.” Tyler smiled as soon as Josh’s eyes opened. “Wha?” Josh blinked. Tyler was already dressed in his usual skinny jeans and an oversized black hoodie. “We can hold hands and kiss. Come on.” Josh rolled over, throwing his arm over his face. He was tired as Tyler kept him awake almost all night, either crying or wanting some kind of sexual contact. Josh was ready for Tyler to clean himself up, but it was harder than he originally thought. “Josh.” Tyler nudged him lightly.

“One more kiss and I’ll get up.” Josh smiled, Tyler not hesitating at leaning down and kissing him.

“I think you should see a doctor.” Josh suggested as the pair sat on the grass in the park. They had walked for hours through the woods, stopping to throw leaves at each other and kiss every now and then. They ended up in a park that had a big slide and three swings. Tyler raised an eyebrow at the suggestion. “They can put you on pills. To make you feel better.”

Josh had wanted to bring up the subject for a while. He knew Tyler had depression and by the sounds of it, he suffered with it even before the drugs.

“They won’t help me.” Tyler picked at the grass, his face set.

“They will. Please, Ty? I’ll come?” Tyler looked at him and sighed. “Fine.” He mumbled. “I’ll call them tomorrow.” 

Josh smiled and leaned in for a kiss. “What about you?” Tyler asked, blocking the kiss. “You haven’t eaten all day.”

“I shared your fries.” Josh pointed out, wanting to kiss Tyler to distract him.

“No, you pretended to. You had one.” Tyler said. “I noticed Josh. I saw you, every time I offered you the bag, you started talking or stopped to look at something. You had _one_.” Josh frowned. He was sure Tyler was being overdramatic. It was his idea to grab food before their walk after all.

“Can I tell you something?” Tyler asked, holding Josh’s hand. “I’ve not known you for a long time, Josh, I hardly know anything about you.” He said at Josh’s nod. Josh felt his heart sink. Tyler was going to tell him that it was over. Whatever it was they had together. He looked at Tyler and noticed the way the sun shone on his skin. He looked golden. “But I know you inside-” Tyler’s palm rested on Josh’s chest. “I know your heart and I know you are the nicest person I’ve ever met.” Josh looked down at the grass, blushing. He always felt awkward when people said nice things about him. “And I know that every time I see you, it’s like I’m falling in love over and over again.” Josh snapped his head up to meet Tyler’s sincere eyes. “I may not know what your favourite film is Josh but I know that I love you. I know that now I have you, I can’t be without you.” 

Josh stared back at Tyler in shock. He felt like crying and laughing and he wasn’t sure which one would come first.

“Tyler-” he breathed, unsure where to start.

“That’s why you need to look after yourself because I can’t make it without you.” Tyler’s voice cracked and Josh leaned forward, taking him in his arms.

“I’m sorry, sorry I haven’t eaten.” Josh was babbling. “I will, I promise. I will eat and get better Tyler.” Josh closed his eyes against the tears.

“I love you. I always have.” Josh pressed his lips to the top of Tyler’s head, his hair smelling like the watermelon shampoo they had used that morning.

“Stay alive Josh, for me?.” Tyler’s voice was barely there but Josh heard him and quickly made a promise. Tyler pulled back to finally connect their lips and Josh had never felt so whole. He knew he had finally found where he belonged, he knew that he belonged anywhere, just as long as Tyler was by his side.

 

❤️

Josh sat, chewing his lip. It had finally started to heal after two weeks of not being sick. It was hard, and the stress of Tyler going clean was sometimes enough to push him to the bathroom, on his knees, fingers at the ready. But he didn’t. He kept his promise, as did Tyler. He was on tablets and had picked up remarkably well. They spent every weekend together and sometimes once or twice during the week. Josh would go every Friday to watch Tyler sing and they would always end up having the best sex Josh could ever imagine.

Mark had eventually demanded that he meet Tyler to check him out once and for all. Tyler stared at his coffee as Mark chewed his fingers and Josh instantly knew they didn’t like each other.

“Anyone for more coffee?” Josh broke the heavy silence. Tyler smiled at him even through the awkwardness and handed him his cup. “Want help?” Tyler asked and Josh knew he needed to get out for a while.

“Yeah, go and put a pot on and I’ll be there in sec-” Josh smiled. Tyler was gone, taking his chance and quickly leaving the room.

“You could be nicer.” Josh hushed as soon as the door was closed behind Tyler.

“Me?” Mark sat up, fixing Josh with a glare. “You haven’t known him for five minutes and you’re on his side?”

“I’m not picking sides, grow up man.” Josh snatched Mark’s cup from him. “You need to make conversation with him when we get back.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

When they returned armed with fresh coffee, it felt even more awkward than before. It was quiet and they kept shooting dirty looks at each other. Josh had never regretted anything so much.

Tyler inhaled the steam from his coffee and hummed. “You got me hooked on this stuff.” He laughed, nudging Josh.

“I thought you preferred harder stuff than coffee.” Mark scoffed. Josh flicked his eyes to Tyler who was looking at Mark, shock and hurt on his face.

“Coffee is as hard as it gets.” He snapped and Mark rolled his eyes again.

“Look, I’ve been polite-” Mark started, making Tyler scoff at that. Mark shoot him a dirty look. “But come on.” He gestured towards Tyler. “He’s in no way good enough, Josh.”

“What’s your problem Mark?” Josh snapped, leaning forward, reaching the end of his patients.

“You’re dating some drug whore Josh! How many men have you fucked for drugs Tyler?”  
Tyler opened his mouth, but no words came out. Josh could see he was In shock and was upset.

“You need to go.” Josh told him pointing to the door. Mark huffed and stormed out, leaving Tyler and Josh alone. “Sorry, he’s-”

“Right.” Tyler finished. “He’s right.” Tyler was obviously upset, his eyes sad.

“No he’s not, he’s being protective. He’s being stupid.” Josh held into Tyler.

“I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“Don’t.” Josh hushed. “You’re the best thing in my life.” Josh kissed Tyler’s head and smirked. “Wanna fuck me?”

Tyler sat up and fixed him with a look. “Yes. But fucking doesn’t solve everything.”  
Josh shrugged and kissed him, his fingers undoing Tyler’s jeans as he said: “it fixes most things.”

 

❤️

It was a few days later that Josh noticed Tyler wasn’t right somehow. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but as he sat in the full bar watching him play, he could see the little changes in him. Josh watched Tyler play, a horrible feeling in his stomach.

 “Hey, Joshie!” Tyler beamed when Josh met him outside after he had played.

“Hey.” Josh answered shortly. Tyler was practically bouncing on his heels, his eyes flicking from one place to another. “What’s wrong?” Josh asked as he unlocked his car. “You’re acting strange.”

Tyler shook his head and gave a small “nothing” before changing the subject. They drove to Josh’s house as usual on a Friday but this time, they sat in silence, Tyler fidgeting and restless.

They got inside and made coffee before settling down on the sofa. “Have you-” Josh sighed unable to even ask.

“What’s wrong with you man?” Tyler snapped, “you’ve been acting weird all night.”

“Me?” Josh breathed “I’m acting funny? Tyler look at yourself!” He gestured towards his boyfriend. “What have you taken?” Josh closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at him.  
“Nothing!” Tyler jumped to his feet defensively. “You’re losing your mind babe.” He gave a humourless laugh and Josh wanted to cry or scream or slap him. He didn’t even know what he wanted to do, he couldn’t handle it.  
Before Josh knew, he was lunging forward, his hands in Tyler’s pockets, patting him down.

Tyler pulled away too late, Josh had taken hold of a familiar plastic bag and pulled it out of his pocket. He held it up, studying the white powder and trying to hold himself together. “How long?” He asked, his voice conveying a strength he defiantly didn’t have inside. Tyler’s mouth opened as closed like a suffocating fish while he tried to find an answer. A lie.

“How long Tyler?!” Josh bellowed making Tyler flinch. Tyler had started to cry and was babbling about some man and the club’s toilets and Josh couldn’t understand. “After _everything_?” Josh stressed, his voice almost breaking on him. “Why?” Tyler didn’t have an answer. Josh threw the bag to the floor, his hands flying up to his hair.

Tyler jumped forward, picking up the bag and holding it in a tight fist. “Get out!” Josh cried. “Get out get out get out!” Tyler ran, literally ran from the building, leaving Josh alone to pace his floorboards. He didn’t know what to do. He knew he couldn’t call Mark and didn’t have anyone else. “Fuck.” He snapped into the air. “Fuck!” He screamed as he kicked the table, knocking the coffee cups and the table flying.

 

❤️

Josh called in sick the next day, unable to face work. He couldn’t face people, didn’t want to smile or talk. He stayed in bed, mostly crying into his pillow, sometimes screaming into it. He resisted the urge to sick his fingers down his throat but didn’t eat anything. His mind was spinning, was this it? Was he going to cut Tyler out of his life? Could he live without him?

Josh couldn’t settle on any answers. He was so unsure of what to do next. The thought crossed his mind that Tyler may have slept with the man in the toilets for drugs. Maybe sucked him off. He cried harder, wishing his pillow would swallow him up, that he could just disappear.

That evening, an unknown number called him. Josh rushed to answer, wanting to hear Tyler’s voice, make sure he’s safe. “Josh?” It was Gian’s voice that met him. “Yeah, hi.” He answered weakly. “Josh, listen. My nephew needs a job and you’ve had so many sick days recently-”

“You’re firing me.” Josh stated, numbly. “I’m really sorry Josh and I will pay you for the month but-” Josh hung up. He stared at the wall, not crying, not screaming, not really feeling. He just stared. He calmly stood up and went to his kitchen. Josh opened the pack of cookies he and Tyler were going to share and ate one as he looked through his other cupboards. 

After an hour of eating anything he could, Josh sat on his bathroom floor heaving over the toilet bowl. It stung his throat, hurt his stomach but it felt good. Felt like a realise, like something was lifting. Josh rod himself of all the food and carried on until he was dry heaving, mouthfuls of bile coming up every now and then.

“Josh?” Josh lifted his head and wipes his eyes. “J?” The door opened and Mark appeared, finding him on the floor for the second time. “You sick again?” Mark leaned over and flushed the toilet as Josh stood up on shaky legs. “Shit, what’s wrong?” Mark frowned. Josh threw himself at his friend, crying on his shoulder.

Mark sat Josh down and waited for him to talk. Josh didn’t know where to start. “I got fired.” He mumbled. “From Gian’s”

“Why?” Mark frowned, eyeing Josh with concern.  
“'Cause I had too many sick days.” Josh felt the knot of anxiety twist in his stomach.  
“You can’t help being sick mate. Maybe we should take you to see a doc-”

“I do it to myself.” Josh blurted.

 Mark frowned. “Why? Eaten something bad?”

“No.” Josh started to cry again. “I make myself sick. Been doing it for years.” Mark looked at him for a long time, his face unreadable. Josh held his face in his hands. “Tyler-” was all he got out before crying harder.  
“What’s happened?” Mark’s hand was rubbing circles on Josh’s back.  
“We broke up I think.”

“Is that you made yourself sick?” Mark asked gently and Josh nodded. “Was he unhappy? Called you fat or something?”

“You don’t understand!” Josh wailed. “He understood!”

“Understood what?” Mark was confused, Josh wasn’t making any sense.  
“I’ve been doing it for years but I stopped. He helped me stop and I helped him but-” Josh wiped at his face, calming down a little. He took a deep breath. “I obviously wasn’t enough for him because I found drugs on him yesterday. He was high.”

Mark signed and braced himself for the 'I told you so’ lecture. Instead, Mark pulled him into a tight hug and said nothing.

“What do I do?”

“About what?”

“Everything.” Josh sighed. It was all a mess.  
“You will find another job Josh, it’ll be okay. And Tyler…” Josh sat up and looked at Mark. “You can try again? Everyone makes mistakes.” Josh frowned, not expecting Mark to be so fair. He thought he would be cursing Tyler and his whole bloodline by now.

“And the... The vomiting. We can talk about it? Or you can see someone? I don’t know man. I can’t believe I had no idea all this time.” Josh smiled a sad smile and shrugged. “That’s the point of a secret. No one knows.” He said. Mark gave a small nod and said: “I’m sorry for being so horrible to Tyler.”

Josh nodded and played with the drawstring of his sweats. “I’m going to see him tomorrow. Talk to him.” Mark bit his lip looking thoughtful. “Do you want me to come? Just in case?”

“Nah. Thanks anyway though.” Silence fell between them again. Josh could tell Mark wanted to bring up the vomiting but was obviously very uncomfortable with it.  
“You were okay until you met Tyler.” Mark said, his voice sad. Josh scoffed because Mark had no idea. He was so far from the truth and Josh couldn’t understand how Tyler could see straight through him and his lies but his oldest friend couldn’t.

“I’m going to bed.” Josh mumbled as he got to his feet. “I’m gonna sleep here.” Mark told him, plumping the cushions on the sofa. Josh simply nodded, didn’t argue and said goodnight.

 

❤️

Josh sat outside Tyler’s house, his hands gripping the steering wheel as he stared at his front door. His heart was pounding. He had no idea what kind of state Tyler would be in and if he even wanted to talk to him. He watched the door as he debated whether he should knock or not. He thought about driving away, unsure if he wanted to see Tyler but he couldn’t bring himself to. His thoughts were cut short as the front door opened and Tyler slipped out, heading for Josh’s car. He opened the passenger door and got in, silently staring straight ahead. Josh swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. He wanted to hold Tyler and kiss him but couldn’t bring himself to even look at him.

“You smell like-”

“I know.” Josh said, bit wanting to hear the words. He could still taste the sourness.

Josh had skipped his shower, creeping out silently so he wouldn’t wake Mark and he could feel how disgusting he was, could smell it on himself.

“You okay?”

Josh huffed at Tyler’s question. He was far from it and Tyler knew it.  
“I’m so sorry Josh-”

“I know.” Josh flicked his eyes at Tyler for the first time since he got in the car. He was a mess, his eyes were red-rimmed, his hair sticking up and greasy. Josh looked back out of the windscreen, watching an old lady tend to her garden a few houses down. Josh loved the roses, bright red, the odd petal falling every so often as she moved the branches to prune.

“Do you hate me?” Tyler cried, his voice broken.

“Did you sleep with him?” Josh asked flatly, almost not wanting to hear the answer.

“Who?” Tyler asked before realising and shaking his head. “Josh, no, of course not. I paid him for the-.” Josh gave a short nod and Tyler quickly shut up.

He didn’t know what to say, he was lost. He didn’t think he would ever be talking to his boyfriend about fucking strangers for cocaine in dirty public bathrooms. This was all new to Josh. “You didn’t answer me.” Tyler said softly. Josh watched as the old lady stepped back to look at her rose bush. She had missed a stray branch around the back and it sticking out, not in shape with the rest of the bush. Tyler’s legs were bobbing up and down, his feet tapping and Josh had the urge to scream, to tell him to sit still for _once_ in his life.

He didn’t though. The silence stretched on, heavy and tense.

“Your lip is sore again.” Tyler observed. Josh had been picking at the sore skin, biting and peeling the skin off. He poked the raw flesh with his tongue and winced.

“Tyler, I don’t know what to do.”

The old lady snipped the stray branch and Josh gave a small smile at the neat flowers.

“Tell me that you still love me.” Tyler wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “Please?”

Josh met Tyler’s teary gaze and felt himself melt. He _did_ love him, very much. Couldn’t be without him. “It’s like an addiction.” Josh said. “It’s like we’re addicted. We know we could potentially destroy each other but we need each other. We need that fix.”  Tyler looked as if he was about break and Josh felt it inside of himself too.m“It’s like that old lady-” Josh gave a nod towards the lady. She had moved on to another rose bush. “She’s out there cutting the roses back, making them tidy and keeping them healthy. Tyler followed Josh’s stare towards the lady, listening as he spoke. “Did you know that if you don’t cut roses back they won’t grow as fast? They won’t grow the best flowers or be as bushy, so you need to prune them.” Josh smiled as he remembered his mom telling him the same thing as she cut the roses back home.

“But no matter how much you cut them and shape them, they will always grow wild. Even though it’s not in their best interest, they will always grow however they want to.”  Tyler looked confused as he watched the old lady, his eyes flicking to Josh. “Can’t you see? No matter how much we try and shape each other, we will always go back to doing what’s bad for us.” Josh looked back at Tyler. He was still watching the lady and her roses, his face expressionless but tears falling down his cheeks. “But that lady is out there, her back aching by the way she keeps holding it, her hands cut by the thrones-” Josh watched her as he spoke. “She’s out there because she loves them. Because her hard work is worth it and no matter how much it can hurt her, making her bleed, making her bones ache, it’s worth it. The beauty of the roses will always be worth it.”

Tyler looked back at Josh, still crying. “Why won’t you tell me you love me?”

Josh looked back at Tyler and sighed. “I do. You know how I feel Ty. I’m just-” he cut himself off to look back at the lady. He didn’t know how he felt or how to explain it. He was mad at Tyler, disappointed and worried but he was also mad at himself.

“I got fired.” He said instead, his voice breaking. “Why does everything have to be so shit?” Josh’s head fell forward, resting on the steering wheel. Tyler’s hand rubbed Josh’s back with small reassurances of “it’s okay” and “you’ll be fine.”

Josh knew he would have to move house if he didn’t find work soon, there wasn’t enough money in his pot to pay his bills and he still owed his Mom the money she lent him. “We will work it out.” Tyler said, still rubbing Josh’s back. “Together.”

Josh looked up at Tyler’s face and nodded once. “Are you-”

Tyler nodded, cutting Josh’s question short. Tyler was high.

Josh finally let himself cry, letting everything he was holding inside come out, Tyler holding him in his arms and kissing his hair. Josh wasn’t sure how they would get through this.

 

❤️

They ended up on Tyler’s bed once Josh had calmed down and Tyler could get him inside. Tyler had sucked Josh off, letting him forget everything, even it was for a short time, Josh needed it. 

“I love you.” Tyler told him, his head resting on Josh’s chest as they lay.

“I love you too.” Josh answered, his eyes closed, fingers running through Tyler’s dirty hair.

“We will sort it out, Josh.” Tyler’s words echoed against Josh, the vibrations in his chest against Josh’s bare skin. He still loved Tyler’s voice, even when he was speaking. Josh nodded and turned his body to face Tyler.

“I love you.” He repeated. Tyler smiled and leaned in to kiss Josh’s lips.

Tyler fell asleep within a few minutes, leaving Josh to lay awake and think. Josh expected Tyler would sleep, the effects of coming down taking hold of him. He tried to imagine his future. _their_ future. They would both be better, both well and in love. Josh would have a job, a better paid one and Tyler would too- Something music-y. They would steal kisses and dance barefoot in the kitchen on Sunday mornings. Josh closed his eyes and let his silent tears full.

He somehow knew it could never be like that.

 

❤️

Josh picked up some extra shifts delivering pizzas and if he was lucky, he got to take one home at the end of the night. He and Tyler would share the pizza, usually in bed They spent most of their time at Tyler’s place. Tyler would sing Josh to sleep when he was sad and Josh would hush Tyler to sleep with soft words, his fingers in his hair when Tyler was sad. In two weeks Tyler had taken drugs once. Another mistake, a moment of weakness and Josh had shouted at him, they had cried and Josh didn’t make himself sick because of it. Josh was struggling but Tyler always made it better somehow. Josh even told Tyler about their imaginary future and Tyler smiled the whole time and added two cats to the dream.

“Your phone..” Tyler stirred, nudging Josh awake.

“It’s Mr Brown.” Josh declined the call and put his phone on silent. “He wants rent.”

Josh turned in the small bed, trying to get into the perfect position. He thought about moving Tyler into his place, but he couldn’t. Not with Tyler’s habits. He was scared of hurting him, scared of getting hurt.

“What’re you gonna do?” Tyler asked sleepily. Josh finally got comfy and left the question answered. He had no idea.

 

❤️

Tyler’s eyes flicked back towards Josh as his fingers ran over the keys, his voice cracked slightly. No one else would have noticed, but Josh did. He knew that after Tyler was finished playing, he would be dragged into the back of the car, pants pulled down and lips everywhere. Josh could tell by the hunger is Tyler’s eyes.

“Are you high?” Josh whispered against the skin of Tyler’s neck. Tyler simply nodded, crying out as Josh bucked up into him. Josh closed his eyes again, concentrating on the feel of Tyler around him, on top of him instead of the uneasy feeling creeping into him.

“Fuck baby.” Tyler groaned, his palms on the roof of Josh’s car.

Josh looked up at Tyler, the darkness casting shadows over his body. Josh couldn’t see his face, the light from the street lamp didn’t reach but he could mentally see Tyler, mouth open, eyes hooded. Tyler moaned louder and Josh quickly shushed him, the fear of getting caught in the back of his mind.

“I love the way you fuck me.” Tyler mumbled as he moved his hips back and forth. “You feel so good inside of me, Josh. Drives me wild.”

Josh grunted in response as he bucked up harder. He was so close. “I love you.” Josh reached up, his hand curling around the back of Tyler’s neck to pull him down. Their lips connected, wet and sloppy, Tyler’s hands flat on Josh’s chest.

“I love you so much.” Tyler whispered tears on his face. Josh wondered when he had started to cry but the thought was soon lost as Tyler bounced on him faster and harder, making Josh come with a hushed moan, Tyler’s name spilling from his lips. Tyler soon followed his face in the crook of Josh’s neck, biting the skin. 

“I love you, Josh. I really do.”

 

❤️

Josh sat opposite Mark, the smell of fresh coffee and toast washing over him. It was comforting and warm. Mark had brought Josh breakfast and Josh felt awkward about the whole thing. “I haven’t seen you in like, forever.” Mark said as he bit into his toast. Josh gave a sad smile. “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to work as much as I can.” He left out the parts where he was with Tyler. Josh hadn’t told Mark that they were back together, that Tyler wasn’t fully clean.

“I know.” Mark smiled and Josh felt guilty for lying. “How are you?” Josh gave a nod and said “good.” What else could he say? Things were never 'good.’

“Finally have enough in my jar to pay Mr Brown what I owe him.”

Mark grinned and congratulated him. “No drums then?”

“Not for now.” Josh shrugged. He had worked hard for every penny in his jar and Tyler had also added to it with his busking money. Josh smiled to himself. He had promised Tyler that once he had paid Mr Brown what he owed, they could look or a place together. Away from Tyler’s housemates and away from the dealers he knew. Start afresh. Maybe get their cats. 

“How’s the girlfriend?” Josh smiled, glad that Mark had finally found someone to put up with him. Mark smiled and went into a long speech about how perfect she was. Josh smiled the whole time, thinking the same about Tyler.

Mark did most of the talking and Josh nodded, smiled and laughed through his stories. Josh loved his friend, his best friend but his mind kept wondering to Tyler. He wondered what he was doing, imagining him listening to Josh’s old radio, singing along as he tidied the mess from the night before. He and Tyler had shared a pizza and left the box on Josh’s bedroom floor along with their clothes and a bottle of lube that was thrown to the side. Tyler would always end up clearing up as Josh had a lifelong blindness for mess and would ignore it.

 Josh said goodbye to Mark with a tight hug, promising to see him more often. He drove home with a pleasant feeling running through him. He felt good, happy and things were looking up for once. He was going to see Mr Brown first thing in the morning and spend the rest of the day looking for tiny apartments with Tyler.

Mr Brown was outside when Josh pulled up outside his building. “Hi-” Josh greeted as he got out of the car.

“Josh-”

“I know.” Josh said, “I’m really sorry.”

Josh dug into his pocket for his keys and pulled them out. They walked inside together, Mr Brown looking stern. “I have to give you this.” He handed a letter to Josh, who took it with a frown. “It’s your notice.” He added, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I’m so sorry Josh. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s been months and-” 

“I have the money.” Josh cut in quickly. “It’s upstairs, it’s in change because I was going to cash it in tomorrow.” Mr Brown furrowed his brow slightly. “Come-” Josh gestured to the elevator. “I’ll get it for you.”

They rode up in silence. Josh felt nervous, even though he had the money on his living room table, waiting. He opened his front door and called Tyler’s name. No one came and Josh shrugged it off, he must’ve gone out. “It’s here.” Josh pointed to the jar with a proud smile. “I’ll bank it first thing and get a cheque for you.” Mr Brown also looked relieved and smiled at Josh.

“Thanks, Josh. I would hate to have to evict you. You’re a nice boy.” Josh smiled at the older man and mumbled a “thanks” at him.

“I’ll take it, it’ll save you a trip.” Mr Brown offered. “I’m going to the bank today anyway.”

“You sure?” Josh crossed the room to retrieve it.

“I don’t mind.” Mr Brown told him, stepping further inside.

Josh smiled again and picked up the jar. That’s when his heart dropped.

It was empty.

“What?” Josh breathed, opening the lid. “It’s empty?” He looked at Mr Brown, hoping to find the answer in him. He looked back at Josh with another stern look. “How?” Josh felt panic raise through him. Had he been robbed? Nothing else had been taken and his door was locked, so that wasn’t it. “Mr Brown I-”

“You lied?” Mr Brown finished. “You tried to get me off your case with imaginary money.” He stepped towards Josh. “The notice still stands.”

“No!” Josh snapped. “No, I have the money. Please?”

“I’ve been patient with you Josh. I’m sorry but I have to.” Mr Brown started to walk towards the door, Josh rushing after him.

“No, I have the-” Josh left the sentence hanging as the realisation hit him. Tyler.

“I can get it back and come see you tomorrow?” Josh could hear the plea in his voice.

“I’m sorry Josh.” Mr Brown said sadly before leaving. Josh stood in the middle of his living room, empty jar in hand.

Tyler.

Josh slowly sat himself down. He was going to wait for Tyler come back.

 

❤️

Josh was in the same place when the sun rose, his eyes burning and body tired. Tyler hadn’t come home and Josh put the pieces together. Tyler stole from him.

He looked at the eviction letter and felt sick. He was homeless and betrayed. Josh felt the anger rise inside of him. How could he? After everything? Josh needed answers so he dropped the jar and ran out to his car.

 Josh hammered on Tyler’s door and pushed past the man that answered. He headed straight for Tyler’s room, not bothering to knock before barging in. Tyler was laying on the floor, his bed gone from the room. Josh frowned, looking around the room once before marching towards Tyler.

“Tyler.” He snapped, his voice hard. Tyler didn’t move, didn’t even stir. Josh had no idea what he had taken, but it was harder stuff than normal. “Tyler!” He shouted, nudging him with his foot. Tyler shifted a bit but still didn’t wake. Josh stepped back and leaned against the wall before sliding down onto the floor. He was going to wait. 

Tyler’s room was a mess, it was dirty and had graffiti on all the walls. Josh guessed other people had been using it while Tyler stayed with him. He watched Tyler sleep and wondered what he could have taken. He thought about checking his arms for needle marks but was too scared of what he may find. Josh was shaking with anger and fear. 

Tyler stole from him just to get high. He knew how much the money meant to Josh, how important it was to him. He knew Josh would be homeless without it. Josh’s eyes burned into the unconscious boy, his mind spinning. What had Tyler got himself into?

Josh didn’t know how long he had been sitting there but Tyler finally started to stir. He stood up and stood beside him, waiting for him to wake up. Tyler’s eyes opened and Josh didn’t give him a chance to fully wake up before he was grabbing him by his T-shirt. Tyler’s eyes shot open in shock, a small squeak coming from his lips.

“Where it is?” Josh demanded.

Tyler frowned slightly, his eyes unfocused.

“You stole from me?” Josh was shouting but Tyler didn’t register anything. “What have you taken?” Josh felt his eyes burn but he couldn’t tell if it was down to the lack of sleep or the tears. Tyler mumbled something, his words gargled. Josh held the neck of his T-shirt tighter and shook him once.

Josh didn’t know what made him angrier; the fact Tyler stole from him or the state he was in. Josh was shaking, he felt too hot and a bit sick. “You stupid boy!” Josh cried and before he knew it, his fist was connecting with Tyler’s face. Tyler flopped back down onto the floor and Josh was storming out without looking back at his perfect boy.

Josh was sobbing by the time he got back to his car, he could hardly start it. He waited for a moment, looking at Tyler’s door, half hoping he would come running after him. He didn’t though. Josh wiped his face and started to drive. He had nowhere to go. Josh couldn’t face going back home, he couldn’t face Mark. He couldn’t face anyone or anything. So he drove, not caring where he ended up.

He wanted to be sick. He tried to ignore the nagging in his brain, the sickness in his stomach and the heaviness in his chest but he couldn’t. Josh pulled over at a service station and rushed to the dirty bathroom, falling to his knees, his fingers already hitting the back of his throat.

 

❤️

Josh sat in his car looking at the front door. He didn’t know how he got there, but he ended up at his Mother’s house. He looked at the roses and smiled a sad smile. They had been neatly cut and the big red flowers made him think of Tyler.

He had stopped crying after the service stop but he could still feel it. He looked in his rearview mirror and shuddered. He looked half dead, a mess and he had vomit on his shirt. He got out and walked to the door, tapping twice.

“Josh!” His Mom smiled before her face dropped. “What’s wrong?” Josh didn’t answer, just collapsed in her arms, unable to speak through the tears. “Oh gosh, Joshie.” He was so glad to hear her voice, be in her arms. The house smelled like home, his Mom felt like home.

 She got him inside and Josh eventually calmed down. He told her everything. About the most beautiful boy, he’d ever seen, about how he was in love and how the boy tore him apart.

“You’re home now.” His Mom said with a pat to his knee, tears in her eyes. Josh met her eye and smiled.

He was home.

❤️

Josh ended up working at the local music shop and he loved it. He had another jar but this time it was labelled 'house’ for when he could afford to move out of his parents’. He was in no rush and neither were they.

He even saw someone about his vomiting and in the three years he’d been home, he hadn’t made himself ill once. His family were upset, sometimes angry at him and checked Josh regularly for signs that he was making himself sick.

He thought about Tyler a lot. He hoped he was okay, clean and well. He wondered if Tyler had forgotten him. If he was still singing at that bar or living in the dirty drug den. Josh couldn’t dwell too much, it hurt him too much. Mark had wanted to kill Tyler and Josh was certain he would have if he knew where to find him.

He was outwardly happier than he had been in a long time, his friends and family commenting on how happy he seemed now and he was happy, just not as happy as he was with Tyler. Josh missed laying in his arms, sleeping together in a tangle of limbs and light snores, Tyler’s laugh and his voice. God, Josh missed hearing him sing.

He pushed it to the back of his mind and it didn’t bother him until he was alone at night or when he was in the shower. He found himself doing anything to avoid touching himself because he would always come with Tyler’s name on his lips, his naked body in Josh’s mind. He would feel even more alone afterwards, craving his touch, his kisses.

Josh closed his eyes tight and willed himself to sleep on those nights.

 

❤️

The sun was high in the sky, shining brightly without any clouds to dull it. Josh was laying in the hammock, sipping his red bull and flicking through some gossip magazine his Mom had left. He was getting into a story about some washed up actress when the doorbell chimed. Josh looked up once and ignored it. There was a long stretch of silence before the doorbell was being pressed again, forcing Josh to get up and answer the door.

“Hey-” Josh smiled when he saw Mark standing on the other side. “What’s up?” It was unusual for Mark to visit out of the blue. Josh was living miles away from Mark now and the drive was a chore.

Mark said nothing and Josh got the feeling that something was wrong. “Are you okay?” He asked when Mark didn’t walk straight into the house like he normally would, he looked at the floor then to his left before looking at Josh and stepping away. Josh frowned as he looked back at his friend. Mark’s eyes looked left again and Josh stepped forward, leaning out to see what Mark was looking at.

Josh’s mouth hung open.

Tyler.

His back was against the wall of the house, the most petrified look on his face. Josh froze on the spot, he must be dreaming. Tyler couldn’t be at his house- with Mark, the man who hates him to the bones. Tyler’s scared eyes met Josh’s shocked ones. No one spoke for what felt like days to Josh, the silence stretching on and on. He couldn’t breathe through the fear of crying.

“Can we come in?” Mark asked and Josh dumbly stepped aside, watching as the man who broke him walked past him and into his house.

 “I know this is weird…” Mark started to say as soon as Josh joined them in the living room. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Tyler.

“Tyler,” Mark prompted with a nudge to the ribs and Josh knew then that he _had_ to be dreaming. “I’m gonna…” Mark stood up and walked to the door, looking back at Josh once before leaving, closing the door behind him.

“It’s so nice to see you.” Tyler spoke up, his voice small, his eyes lingering on Josh. “I’ve missed you, Josh.”

“What’s happening?” Josh asked, watching Tyler’s fingers pull at a loose thread that was hanging on the bottom of his T-shirt. Tyler was completely still, no fidgeting or legs bouncing and just like Tyler had read his mind he said: “I’m clean.”

Josh’s eyes snapped up to meet Tyler’s, his heart stopping. “Two and a half years. Not one single relapse.”

Josh smiled. “Congrats Tyler, I really mean it, you should be proud.” Josh looked him over again. He had put on weight and his skin was clear of the dark circles around his eyes. He looked healthy and it made Josh happy.

“Josh, I’m so sorry-” Tyler began, his voice desperate and eyes pleading. “I’ve been saving and I’ve got the money, every single penny, here-” he lifted his hips to pull an envelope from his back pocket before stretching his arm out towards Josh.

“Thanks-” Josh mumbled as he took it gently, his brain trying to understand what was even happening.

“It was a shitty thing to do and-”

“It was shitty Tyler.” Josh met his eyes again. He couldn’t quite grasp how his perfect boy was sitting there, in arms reach and looking so perfect, _better_. But Josh still hurt and Tyler being there opened wounds that Josh had closed. “You fucked me up, you really fucked me up.”

Tyler looked at the floor before looking back at Josh, his eyes sad and sincere. He didn’t say anything because, Josh guessed, he knew that he _couldn’t_. He had apologised and saying sorry again wouldn’t make it better.

“I have a cat now,” Josh finally said, unsure why, out of everything he could’ve told Tyler, that was what he chose.

“Really?” Tyler smiled, his eyes lighting up. Josh knew what Tyler was thinking because he thought it too.

“Her name is Cymbal.”

“Is she black? Like you wanted?” Tyler asked, trying to keep his voice upbeat. Josh heard the sadness though.

“No, ginger,” he said, “you’ll meet her at some point.” Tyler’s eyes flicked up to Josh’s, a flicker of hope behind them. He smiled and nodded and they fell back into silence.

“Mark told me,” Tyler said, just as the silence was killing Josh, “that you’re better too.”

“How long have you and him been talking?” Josh asked out of curiosity, trying to fit everything together.

“After you left. I found him and begged him to take me to you,” Tyler gave a nervous little laugh, his face serious. “He refused until I was completely better but kept me updated because I would nag him otherwise for information. I wanted to know that you were happy.”

“I wasn’t,” Josh supplied earning a guilty look from Tyler, “but I was better.”

“I missed you so bad.” Tyler blurted like he couldn’t hold it any longer. “You wouldn’t believe-”

“I would.” Josh felt himself begin to lose it and quickly stood up. “Excuse me for a second, Mark will get you a drink and I’ll… Just give me a second.” He rushed out of the room, finding Mark sitting in the kitchen.

He opened his mouth to speak but Josh didn’t want to talk so quickly said, “can you make Tyler a drink and keep him company please?” Before walking out, almost running towards his bedroom.

He got in and slammed the door shut, leaning against it and trying to breathe evenly. He felt like he had been on a very long run, he felt the burning in his lungs, the tightness in his chest and as he closed his eyes, he just wanted everything to disappear. He needed to breathe, to think and to clear his head.

 

❤️

Raised voices and a door slamming shook Josh out of his thoughts. He had no idea how long it had been but somewhere, he had zoned out, lost in his thoughts and couldn’t face going back down.

He stepped towards his window to see Tyler walking across his lawn and hurrying towards the street. Mark was shouting his name and Tyler was shouting back, telling him that he had made a mistake and that he shouldn’t be there. Something inside of Josh made him move and before he knew it, he was running downstairs. He ran past Mark, who was calling after Tyler and out the door, quickly catching up with his singer.

“Stop!”

Tyler instantly stopped walking and turned to face Josh, his face red and eyes wet. “I’m sorry Josh, me coming here was a mistake, I’ve put you through enough already,” he cried, making Josh’s heart sink.

“Why did you come?” Josh asked, stepping towards him and holding his eyes.

“To say sorry, give you the money that I owe. I wanted to tell you that I was clean,” he said, “to tell you that I missed you, that I love you and that I understand why you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Tyler,” Josh corrected, “if I hated you, I wouldn’t be chasing you down the street.”

“You _should_ hate me,” Tyler said, wiping his face on his shoulder. “I deserve it.”

Josh looked back at him, taking in his features. He was right there. The realisation hit Josh like a fast speed bus, completely taking his breath away. He was there, Tyler was finally there and he was crying and suddenly, Josh’s lips were pressed tight against Tyler’s and nothing else mattered.

Tyler’s hands came up, holding Josh’s face, a hand on each cheek and Josh’s arms wrapped around his waist, holding onto him like his life depended on it. 

“God, I’ve missed you, Ty.” Josh pulled back to look at his face, still wet with tears. He was as beautiful as ever and Josh wanted to kiss him again.

“I’m here,” Tyler said, his hands still holding Josh’s cheeks, “I’m yours, whenever you’re ready, just say the word and I’m yours.”

Josh smiled and nodded, looking back towards the house. “Let’s go inside before Mark has a nervous breakdown.” Josh laughed and so did Tyler, everything feeling so normal again. They started towards the house, Tyler’s hand held tightly in Josh’s.

 

❤️

“Do you still sing at that bar?” Josh asked as Tyler took a seat at Josh’s desk.

“No,” he mumbled, looking at Josh as he said, “I don’t sing anywhere anymore.”

Josh frowned, his heart heavy in his chest as a sadness washed over him. “Why?” He asked, watching Tyler flick through the odd bits of paper scattered across the desk.

“Just never felt right.” Tyler looked back at Josh, his eyes sad. Josh wanted to press but didn’t. He didn’t want to make Tyler sad again so made a mental note to get him back into singing without bringing it up again.

“Maybe we should start a band once you get your drum kit,” Tyler grinned, nodding towards Josh’s jar.

“Nah, that’s for a house, the drums will wait.” Josh watched Tyler stand up as he picked up the jar.

“How much you got?”

“A few hundred, why? Want to steal it?” Josh teased, wiping the smile off Tyler’s face as he shot him a warning look that made Josh laugh harder. “Sorry-” he giggled as Tyler handed him the jar.

“You’ll have enough now,” Tyler flicked the corner of the envelope that was sticking out of Josh’s pocket and Josh almost fainted.

He would have enough.

His saving was over and he could find his own place. “Do you know what this means?” Josh grinned at Tyler. “We can start looking at apartments, get our cats.”

“Really?” Tyler asked, his voice shaky and unsure, “you still want to do that? With me?”

Josh’s smile widened as he pulled Tyler in for a kiss, pulling him down onto the bed as their lips met. He had never been so sure about anything, he was Tyler’s and Tyler was his. They were better and Josh was finally happy, complete again. He had everything he needed in his arms, his perfect singer that changed his life.

 

❤️

Josh watched the stage, never taking his eyes away from the man behind the piano. All he could do was watch his perfect boy’s fingers dance over the ivory keys, his eyes closed as beautiful sounds flowed from his mouth right into the pit of Josh’s stomach. Tyler’s eyes opened and met his and a small smile crept onto his lips as he sang, his eyes moving to sweep across the crowd that had formed. Josh listened to words, images of Tyler hunched over his notebook, pen in hand, scribbling words down, wearing only a pair of boxers flashed behind his eyes.

He looked at the crowd and smiled, pleased that people were listening to his songs, actually hearing the words. Tyler was singing Josh’s song, the first song he had written for him all those years ago when they were two different people. No one knew the true meaning behind it, they didn’t know how much it meant to them and Josh liked it like that.

 

“Fuck Josh,” Tyler moaned, his fingers gripping the back of Josh’s seat. Josh hummed a response as he thrust up into Tyler, making him groan. Josh shushed him, still nervous about getting caught fucking in the backseat of his car. Tyler didn’t seem to care much about that as he moaned again, long and much louder than Josh would’ve liked. “I’m so glad we started this tradition again,” Tyler mumbled, bouncing himself on Josh’s cock, leaning forward to kiss him, Josh swallowing Tyler’s moans.

So much had changed, they were both better, sober and healthy and Josh was glad that Tyler was singing again. He was glad that he _had_ Tyler again and they were finally happy, Josh was glad Tyler had found him, glad he had the money so they now had a place of their own. But most of all, as Josh bucked his hips against Tyler, listening to his moans, singing the perfect melody of Josh’s name and little whines, watching as he stretched out, his hands flat against the roof of the car, Josh was glad that some things never change.

 


End file.
